The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

Narrator: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Larry, the part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song. Joining Larry are Pa Grape and Mr. Lunt who, together, make up the infamous gang of scallywags, the "Pirates Who Won't Do Anything"

All: We are the Pirates who don't do anything!
We just stay home and lie around!
And if you ask us to do anything,
We'll just tell you...

Larry: "We don't do anything."

Pa Grape: Well...I've never been to Greenland,
And I've never been to Denver,
And I've never buried treasure
In St. Louis or St. Paul!
And I've never been to Moscow,
And I've never been to Tampa,
And I've never been to Boston in the fall!

All: Cause we're the
Pirates who don't do anything!
We just stay home and lie around!
And if you ask us to do anything,
We'll just tell you...

Mr. Lunt: "We don't do anything."
And...I've never hoist the mainstay.
And I never swab the poop deck,
And I never veer to starboard,
'Cause I never sail at all!
And I've never walked the gang plank,
And I've never owned a parrot,
And I've never been to Boston in the fall!

All: 'Cause we're the
Pirates who don't do anything!
We just stay home and lie around!
And if you ask us to do anything.
We'll just tell you, "we don't do anything."

Larry: Well...I've never plucked a rooster,
And I'm not too good at ping-pong,
And I've never thrown my mashed-potatoes up against a wall!
And I've never kissed a chipmunk,
And I've never gotten head lice,
And I've never been to Boston in the fall!

Pa Grape: Huh? What are you talking aboutt? What's a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate?

Mr. Lunt: Ya, dat's right! We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things.

Larry: Oh.

Pa Grape: And who's ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?

Mr. Lunt: I think you look like Capt'n Crunch.

Pa Grape: Huh?! No I don't.

Mr. Lunt: Do too.

Pa Grape: Do not!

Mr. Lunt: You're making me hungry.

Pa Grape: That's it! You're walkin' the plank!

Mr. Lunt: Says who?

Pa Grape: Says the Capt'n, that's who!

Mr. Lunt: Oh yeah? Aye, Aye Capt'n Crunch! hee hee!

Pa Grape: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Mr. Lunt: Yikes!

Larry: And...I've never licked a spark plug,
And I've never sniffed a stink bug,
And I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball!
And I've never bathed in yogurt,
And I don't look good in leggings...

Pa Grape: You just don't get it!

All: And we've never been to Boston in the Fall!

Pa Grape: Pass the chips.
Who's got the remote control?

Larry: Here it is!

Mr. Lunt: Time for Geraldo!

Pa Grape: It's definitely time for Wapner.

Mr. Lunt: Oh, I don't like this show.

Larry: Hey, look! I found a quarter!


It's Laura's Fault

Dad: Hi, Junior. How was your day? My plate! My Art Bogatti limited edition collectors plate! What happened to it?

Junior: Well, it's Laura's fault; she broke the plate!
I tried to stop her!
She said she had to demonstrate
Her Apple Chopper!
The apple chopper worked just great,
But chopped right through your bowling plate!
It's Laura's fault-she broke the plate-it's true!
And that's the tale I have to tell to you!

Dad: Oh my. If that's what you say happened, then, well, I trust you, Junior.

Junior: Accually, Laura didn't break the plate. It was...it was Lenny!

Percy: Her brother?!?

Junior: Yep, that's right! Lenny broke the plate! I'll tell you the whole story!
It's Lenny's fault; he broke the plate!
He's very naughty!
Just how was I to know he hated Art Bogatti!
He gave it to a crocodile
Who chewed it up for quite a while!
It's Lenny's fault; he broke the plate! It's true!
And that's the tale I have to tell to you!


Larry-Boy

Female Singers: Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Lean and mean! Green machine!
Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Outa' sight! Vegemite
Larry-boy!

Who do they call
when Bumblyburg's in trouble?
Who's got the suit
With Super-Suction Ears?
There's no need to panic 'cuz this guy is manic!
And you know that he'll save the day!
You need a hand...
He's right there on the double!
Hey, hey! He's on the way!
Purple and yellow--he's one super fellow!

Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Lean and mean! Green machine!
Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Outa' sight! Vegemite!
Larry-boy!

Where do you turn
When this world needs a hero?
A man with style
And plungers on his head!
It's easy to prove; he's just one of the grooviest
Cats that you'll ever know!
It's plain to see,
In fashion he's no zero!
At the wheel of the Larrymobile
Purple and yellow--he's one super fellow!

Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Lean and mean! Green machine!
Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Outa' sight! Vegemite!
Larry-boy!
Long may the voice of freedom ring!

Larry-boy: I...am...that...hero!

Female Singers: Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Lookin' great! Fashion Plate!
Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Lean and mean! Green machine!
Larry-boy!
Larry-boy!
Outa' sight! Vegemite!
Larry-boy!

Larry-boy!
Lean and mean! Green machine!
Lookin' great! Fashion Plate!
Outa' sight!

Larry-boy: Dy-no-mite!!!
Larry-boy!


Promised Land

Percy: We didn't have a lot of fun in the desert.
We didn't have a lot of fun in the sand.

Tom: But saddle up your cow

Percy: It's all behind us now!

All: Because we're going to the Promised land!!

Jimmy: For years I've eaten nothing but manna!
A dish that is filling, but bland.

Jerry: But now we're on our way

Pa Grape: I'll have a cheese soufflé!

All: Because we're going to the Promised land!!
And in the Promised land
It's gonna' be so grand!
We'll have our fill from the grill--as much as we can stand!
It'll be so great!
Oh, we can hardly wait!
'Cause we're goin' to the Promised land!!

Scooter: The dining was lousy with Moses.
But we'll be feasting with Josh in command!

Jimmy: I'd like a taco please...and some pitas and cheese!

All: Because we're goin' to the Promised land!!
And in the Promised land
It's gonna' be so grand!
We'll have our fill from the grill--as much as we can stand!
It'll be so great!
Oh, we can hardly wait!
'Cause we're goin' to the Promised land!!

And in the Promised land
It's gonna' be so grand!
We'll have our fill from the grill--as much as we can stand!
It'll be so great!

Jimmy: With waffles on my plate!

All: 'Cause we're goin' to the Promised land!!

Pa Grape: I hear's it's flowing
With milk and honey...

Jimmy: Sounds sticky

All: 'Cause we're going to the Promised land!!
Ya, we're goin' to the Promised land!!
'Cause we're going to the Promised land!!


The Lord Has Given

Josh: The Lord has given this land to us.
No need to fuss
He knows what He's doing!
We know that He will take care of us
If we will follow Him!
Now everyone sing together!

Israelites: The Lord has given this land to us.
No need to fuss
He knows what He's doing!
We know that He will take care of us
If we will follow Him!


Keep Walking

Jean-Claude: What are you doing?

Jimmy: We're going to knock your wall down!

Jean-Claude: By walking around in circles?

Jimmy: Yes.

Phillipe: Oh. That's a great idea! You go ahead and keep walking!
Keep walking!
But you won't knock down our wall!
Keep walking!
But she isn't gonna' fall!
It's plain to see--your brains are very small!
To think walking
Will be knocking down our wall!
You silly little pickle,
You silly little peas.
You think that walking 'round will bring this city to its knees?
The awesome powers of this wall we've clearly demonstrated.
Ah! But out here in the hot, hot sun--perhaps you're dehydrated.

Jean-Claude: I pity them, Phillipe.

Phillipe: Ah! Me oui, Jean-Claude! Me oui!
Won't you join me in my irritating little song?

Jean-Claude: It would be an honor!

Jean-Claude and Phillipe: Keep walking!
But you won't knock down our wall!
Keep walking!
But she isn't gonna' fall!
It's plain to see--your brains are very small!
To think walking
Will be knocking down our wall!

All Peas: Keep walking!
But you won't knock down our wall!
Keep walking!
But she isn't gonna' fall!
It's plain to see--your brains are very small!
To think walking
Will be knocking down our wall!
It's plain to see--your brains are very small!
To think walking
Will be knocking down our wall!!


The Lord Has Given (Reprise)

Junior: The Lord has given this land to us.
No need to fuss.
He knows what he's doing!
We know that He will take care of us
If we follow Him.
God's way is the best way.
Now that I know...He loves me so!
His way is the best way.
And that's the way for me!


Promised Land (Reprise)

Jimmy: Ahhh!!! Boy, did I pick a lousy day to wear my contacts!

All: And in the Promised land
It's gonna be so grand!
We're gonna march through the streets, walking hand in hand!
It'll be so great!
Now we don't have to wait!
'Cause we're goin' to the Promised land!
Yeah we're goin' to the Promised land!

Jimmy: Does anyone have any saline?


Song of the Cebú

Narrator: And now it's time for Silly Songs With Larry. The part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys, and girls, Larry the Cucumber presents in a sequential image, stereophonic multimedia event, "The Song of the Cebú."

Larry: Cebúuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
This is a song about a boy. A song about a little boy and his cebús. A song about a little boy and his three cebús. The little boy who had a sick cebú, a sad cebú, and a mute cebú. And also a hippo.
Umm...ummm...this is me at the airport. This is my Aunt Ruth. This is me at a bullfight. This is me fighting a bull.

Audience: Oooo...

Larry: This is me and the bull.

Audience: Ahhh...

Larry: This is me and the bull and I think that's the bull's cousin...He's a cebú.

Archibald: Hold it! You call this a multimedia event? This is a slide projector and a bed sheet! And what on earth is a cebú anyway?

Larry: It's kinda like a cow. See?

Archibald: Yes...Well...Very good...This could be interesting...Carry on.

Larry: Cebúuuu!
Sing it with me! Cebúuuu!

Audience: Cebúuuuuu!!

Larry: Boy is riding with cebú.

Audience: Boy is riding with cebú.

Larry: Into town in his canoe.

Audience: Into town in his canoe.

Larry: Sick cebú is rowing and sneezing,
Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, moo moo.

Audience: Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, moo moo.

Larry: Hippo chewing on bamboo.

Audience: Hippo chewing on bamboo.

Larry: Can't see boy and three cebú.

Audience: Can't see boy and three cebú.

Larry: Sad cebú is rowing and crying, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, moo moo.

Audience: boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, moo moo.

Larry: Cebú!

Audience: Cebú!

Larry: Cebú!

Audience: Cebú!
Achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, cebú!

Larry: Hippo seen by mute cebú.

Audience: Hippo seen by mute cebú.

Larry: Tried to tell the other two.

Audience: Tries to tell the other two.

Larry: Mute cebú is waving and grunting, mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm, mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm, mm-mm!

Audience: mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm, mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm, mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm, mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm, mm-mm.

Larry: Uh-oh.

Archibald: Wait!!! What hapens next??

Larry: Ummm...

Archibald: Does the hippo see them? Is the poor mute cebú successful in communicating the imminent danger to the other passengers?? Is the boy injured? Why is the sad cebú sad? Is the canoe wood or aluminum? This is quite disappointing. I'm going to have to speak to Bob about this!

Larry: Oh look! A cebú!

Audience: Cebúuuu....

Larry: No wait. That's a water buffalo.

Audience: No more song about cebú. Need another verse or two. Audience is standing and leaving, bye-bye moo moo bye-bye moo moo, bye-bye moo moo bye-bye moo moo, moo moo.

Jimmy: I want my money back.

Jerry: Yeah. That'd be good.


What We Have Learned

Bob: It's time to talk about what we've learned today.

Voice: And so what we have learned applies to our lives today,
And God has a lot to say in His Book!

Voice: You see, we know that God's Word is for everyone,
And now that our song is done we'll take a look.

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